Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down.

As I grow older, I’ve come to realize that win/lose isn’t really as black and white, as obvious as I always thought it was. Winning and losing in the traditional sense have no real relevance to daily life, to social interaction, to reality. The greatest tragedy of all is then perhaps that not everyone sees it this way.

I don’t even know how to function in a win/lose world, at least not in a social win/lose world. Of course some things are win/lose, like competition debating, sports, the stock market…but relationships? To make relationships about winning and losing is philosophically perverse. It eliminates compassion, understanding. It eliminates humanity.

It breaks my heart to think that we all are out to get each other, that other people harbor silent grudges for years, that no one can simply accept disagreement maturely. How are we all planning on ever functioning in the real world if we can’t constructively discuss rather than “bitch”, if we can’t disagree about anything, if we all can’t always have our way? I don’t think that “conniving”, “manipulative”, “hurtful”, or “good at bitching” are the characteristics that future employers, Ivy League universities, friends, or spouses are looking for.

How can we expect any country to ever resolve conflict, any company to comply with environmental standards, any government to act fairly? All of these actions, conflicts, etc. arise from self-interest, from individuals wanting to get their way, from people being frustrated with being out-voted, out-voiced. How can we ever ask anything bigger than ourselves to work out disagreements? How can we expect that everyone else should act collectively, put aside self-interest, if we can’t manage to do so in an issue as small as a two-hour dinner?

I am not sure what any of you have learned over the course of two years (some of you, I fear, have not learned very much) but speaking for myself, I have learned a lot about the value of maturity, of dignity, of articulation, of compromise. I have learned that before this place, I over-estimated people. I thought that, with education, anyone could overcome ignorance, arrogance, conceit, and obstinacy. That belief has been proved wrong. It has been hard. It has been long. I have held out, I have been blithely optimistic in the face of all evidence to the contrary. But now I’m forced to look at how the cards have fallen and unfortunately, it’s disheartening.

I am not sure if this is really how you want it to end. If so, then I am heartbroken. I am not sure if you are proud of what has happened, proud of how you have acted, proud of what you have done. If you are, then I am disgusted.

I believed in you. I believed in all of you. You have let me down. You have let yourselves down.

Am I angry? No. Am I disappointed? Always.